Day 11, 12, 13… A break

Priya Shukla Daily Musings, The Sense Check

Of course, I couldn't do anything other than get up, shower, do a little work and then sleep.


I don't usually allow myself what I call the luxury of resting when I have my period. It's always felt indulgent. And that's my critical inner voice speaking. I know this and yet the voice is still quite a strong one in my head.



Many people, even women, don't understand the vast differences that women go through with their menstrual cycle. It's quite sad and sometimes enraging to feel like I have to dull the intensity of the pain because others may not understand. And I've spent years trying to do just that.



But I have been working on being more truthful about my reality - pain, exhaustion, an increase in body temperature and excessive bleeding. For three weeks out of four, my hormones are taking me on a journey. It feels like I'm being held hostage. My body isn't quite my own. But still I persevere. There is little else I can do.



As I get closer to menopause, I also begin to think about how this isn't normal. To live in constant pain and discomfort is not normal. The plan is simple but hard. Hard has never deterred me, but it has been uncomfortable and forces me to be vulnerable. There's a difference between being vulnerable because you feel safe doing it and when you're forced to do it because you can't control a situation or it's outcomes. My choice is to work through this space with an understanding of my physiology and how it needs to function as opposed to walking blindly and waiting for mayhem.



Days 11 to 13... thanks for the grace.

Day 10… Party Day!

Priya Shukla Daily Musings, The Sense Check

Today's our end-of-year party. I got up excited for the day. And then I saw that I was spotting, and the panic began.

I've been expecting my period for 2 weeks. Part relief, part terror, part frustration. But that's been my lifelong relationship with my period. I've always been afraid of the intensity it brings with it - both physically, mentally and emotionally. It's the most complicated and simple - I know, really contradictory - but that's the life of a woman when she hits pubity. I'm in the bargaining stage of my period. I'm basically bargaining with my hormones to give me a break tonight.

So I'm trying to focus on the day being a good one. Whatever will happen will be. I will just be prepared for whatever comes the best way I can.

Day 10, here we come.

Day 6, 7, 8… I missed 2 days

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I missed two days of journaling. How did I feel about that? I was annoyed with myself at first, but then I realised I could catch up on everything I did. Reflect on the joy that was this weekend. Yes, that sounds like a way to overcome wanting to do this perfectly.

Perfection. Such a small word with so much pressure attached to it. I'm recovering from being a perfectionist. The beauty of recovery is that it's a journey, not a destination. Perfection is me reaching for an unknown goal that has no beginning or end. This makes perfection unattainable. And I'm feeling the relief of that realisation every single day. Letting go of the stranglehold of perfection is a thing of beauty and the beginning of faith and hope. But that's a story for another day.

Day 6

With my move to Cape Town, there were many things I wanted to do to find myself and my joy again. One of those things was finding a community I could join that meant I had company and the joy of activities with a safe group that didn't need to become my best friends - I have one of those, and boy is she the jealous type 🙂 I love doing things on my own but also realise the need to be able to do things with others with no expectations and just joy in what I'm doing.

On Saturday morning, I got up as early as I could manage; I needed to drive 45 minutes to Kalk Bay and fill up my tank before I set off. It's a beautiful drive once you get to Muizenburg and then take the main road that takes you through Kalk Bay, towards Fishhoek. It fills you up. The beautiful coastline, the mountains from all angles, the blue summer skies. Long drives are my joy. There's a freedom in being out on an open road. I relish them.

My destination was the Brass Bell Restaurant to join a bunch of strangers to spend a few hours painting and drawing. I've done this type of activity in Durban, but I'd never done it on my own. I'm learning that on my own is my favourite way to experience things. The company is great, but I'm okay on my own too. It was a beautiful half a day spent painting against the background of waves crashing against rocks and the windows of the restaurant. Powerful and beautiful. Simply breathtaking.

Day 7

I'm not one to indulge in shopping and walking around a mall. But with the right company and for a special reason, I can be convinced to go along with it. I spent the morning with a close friend. We work together but don't get to spend a lot of time out just for us to catch up and just be. So we both treasure these special moments and I loved the company as I thought about my company party outfit.

What I love about my friends is that they are honest with me if they don't think I should pick up something. These are the kinds of friends I need. I can also be myself and talk about my comfort with no judgment. Again, it's what I need, not the superficiality of just going along with things to create a copacetic space.

I also got to spend a beautiful afternoon with my little brother's fiancé before she left Cape Town. She is moving up to Johannesburg and I guess this is great for her and my little brother. It was sad to say goodbye. But I'm also grateful we had the last four months to get to know her and spend quality time with her. They have a bright future ahead of them. Relationships are as simple as we make them - the ones where feelings and actions are reciprocated and those where they are not. The start of this one bodes well for us all.

Day 8

Today I had an upset tummy. It made my day a little uncomfortable. It was one more day that I was grateful I could work from home. It's a gift that I will not take for granted anymore. I have taken it for granted. Or maybe I've been so focused on everything else that I couldn't appreciate what I do have going well for me. And that's okay; not immediately being aware of every blessing is what life looks like. We will notice and be awakened when we have the mental, emotional and spiritual capacity to accept and embrace these new truths. I couldn't get to this journal this morning, but today isn't over yet.

Day 6, 7 and 8. Up and away.

Day 5… Hot and bothered

Priya Shukla 0 Comment The Sense Check , , , , ,

It's hot. Many may say, "Yes, that's because it's summer in the southern hemisphere". I say, "Ugh".

As far back as I can remember, as an adult, I have hated the heat. I sweat profusely, especially on my face, and I am uncomfortable and sluggish. I couldn't understand why because in my youth I spent much of my time outdoors involved in any number of physical activities. And maybe, therein lies part of the problem.

What is the problem?

I became less active immediately after leaving school. I started the journey of overeating and being overweight at 17, but I also had physical activity to keep me feeling good. But as I left the mandatory physical activity behind, I became a shell of a person. Of course, the culture back then was to be so hard on myself and feel ashamed that I wasn't doing better and eating better. So much shame, every day.

What I did not know or have any concept of, was that I was one of those special people that had metabolic syndrome. PCOS, Insulin resistance, pre-diabetic - I was the perfect example of all these waiting to activate. However, society didn't understand this and neither did my doctors and my family. Thankfully the road has been long and I've learned so much about how to take the steps I need to take to improve my health. Unfortunately, it's also been a difficult one.

So all this to say I am not just struggling with the heat, I am a cocktail of hormone and gut imbalance. It's hard for me to say this out loud and accept it. But I need to understand that acceptance is such a big part of healing and optimising my health. Here I am, sitting with acceptance for a bit longer; it's something I need practice and time to become comfortable with.

Now I'm off to the chiropractor. Yesterday was an amazing deep tissue massage to prepare me for today's treatment. And also because I just love massages!

Day 5 is over and out!

Day 4… Why the Rage?

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I hate feeling anger and rage. It fills me with shame.

There, I've said it outside of my therapist's rooms. And it's a relief to say it, somewhat, out loud.

I've spent years trying to understand my strong emotions and it's only in the last seven or eight years that I've understood that I'm not an "angry" person - the label I was given since childhood. I was called temperamental, moody, someone who blows up at others, volatile. And I have to ask the question, "How does a child get a label for being all of these things?"

Where did it start?

Growing up in a conservative Indian Hindu family, from all my observations, young brown girls were always told to stay on their best behaviour. No shouting, no attention and no back-chatting. Let me explain the term back-chatting. To the parents in my world, then and now, anything that you said in response to your parents was termed "back-chatting". I laugh as I type this because if anyone but your parents said this to you as an adult, it would be gaslighting.

I was always getting into trouble. Couldn't keep my mouth shut and my mum hated that. She would discipline me often and quite creatively, but she couldn't get me to stop speaking out about my opinions. Imagine how surprised I was when I learned that even "loudmouth" me was still suppressing so much, hence the feelings of rage and the outbursts. What started as a child trying to regulate her emotions, became an an adult who felt ashamed because she felt anything.

Where I'm going?

I feel anger and it's okay. Anger is an emotion and it indicates feelings that emerge as a result of situations in my life that I'm uncertain and afraid of. Now when I feel this upswell of emotions I immediately feel the shame, but on the heels of that, the work I've been doing to overcome the shame kicks in. The voices that take over are gentle, compassionate and curious, rather than harsh. For me, that's my frontal lobe work showing up for me.

Enough about that. Longer than my usual check-ins, but necessary for my musings. I just needed to get it out and remind myself that I am okay and safe and my feelings are valid and acknowledged - even if it's only by me. In fact, I am the one that needs to acknowledge and validate myself more than anyone else.

Day 4... you're looking beautiful.

What the hell is this day? Day 3…

Priya Shukla Daily Musings, The Sense Check

So today started with a bang.



Or in the language of reframing, it started with many interesting activities, says Priya with a sigh, an eye-roll and a sarcastic laugh. Pssst... I still like "bang".



I didn't get a chance to catch up and journal this morning so here I am, catching up this evening as I start preparing for a beautiful Cape Town sunset and also take stock of what this day was. I find it funny that I always say Wednesday is my favourite day - it's all downhill from there! But today felt like a bit too much. I have this habit of stacking things I need to do or get done in one day or morning so I have free days in between. I'm trying to change this all-or-nothing behaviour because it feels overwhelming. Yes, we achieve so much; but at what cost? And who are we comparing these achievements to and for?



So right now, as I end my day of many things done and some great work completed, I'm left tired and a little uncertain. Whenever I check things off a list, I know it's a dopamine hit, but if my relationship with dopamine is unhealthy. I'm always chasing a hit, that's when the feeling becomes addictive and elusive. So instead of chasing the feeling, I will pay attention and stay present of my feelings and wait before I act. I will consider my bandwidth before I book my day. I will take pleasure in my achievements and remind myself of them when I feel lacking.



A lot of food for thought. So how do I move on from the heaviness of trying to resolve the feelings? I focus on gratitude and remind myself of my focus and path with affirmations.



I am grateful that my fridge was replaced as easily as it was.



I am grateful that I have the abundance to live the quality of life I have.



I am grateful that I could nap when I was tired today.



I show myself compassion in all situations.



I trust myself and my intuition. It connects me to my truth and my higher power.



Day 3, you were many things, but you were also, rewarding.

Off to the Office – Day 2

Priya Shukla Daily Musings, The Sense Check

I never think about the word commitment much, unless it's in the abstract. But if I think about it, I'm committed until the end. I'm loyal to my values and principles. I am my compass if I can trust myself and my feelings. And therein lies the banger. I am trusting myself and my process.



I got up excited to go to the office - seeing some amazing people today. And my first thought wasn't, "I have to see...", I dove straight into "I get to...". If you don't understand the difference or why this is so huge, think about the thoughts that float through your mind daily. Some of them are heavy because it's about what we feel is necessary but they bring up all our "I don't want to" feelings. I've spent a lifetime with that "I don't want to, but I have to" thoughts. Reframing to "I get to" has been an intentional effort. So, trust me when I say that noticing myself use a word that fills me with gratitude and calm joy is a win and a celebration to me.


Try it. Here's some examples: "I have to do my laundry today." = "I get to do my laundry today. I get to wear clean clothes and that makes me happy."



Oh, did I forget to add the reason why "getting" to do something is so great? Sorry! That add-on is very important. We're changing neural pathways here. We're breaking the cycles of thought we have lived with for years with just this one little sentence.


Try it and trust in the process. One day you too will notice the automatic shift and that will be the most beautiful gift you could give yourself.


Now to decide what to wear! Ugh. Nope. I'm stopping here because that needs me to look in the closet. But I can say, "I get to dress my badass self and I look amazing in whatever I choose to wear when I wear it for me."


Day 2 done!

Recommitting to myself – Day 1… of many

Priya Shukla 2 Comments Daily Musings, The Sense Check

Creating consistency and routines for myself. It's a bumpy ride.

I keep trying to remind myself that I'm a writer. Is that normal?

But it's the first thing I sacrifice when life gets hard. Even as I write this, I feel shame. And that makes me want to stop again. But I'm determined to do the very thing that I want and need to.

I keep hearing Oprah in conversation with so many people telling her about their calling and why they do what they do. One of those conversations that stand out to me to this day was with JK Rowling. Oprah asked her if she'd always know she wanted to be a writer and she said yes, when she understood what it is that writers do, that is when she knew it is what she would do. And I'll never forget what Oprah's narration was to this - when you're a writer, you just write; whether it's for one person or a million, you have to write.

But the thing that has changed for me in listening to this is that I write because I have to express myself and I write for me first. Always for me first.

So how do I do this?

Today I am committing to writing a little every day. Just talking about what I'm thinking and how I'm getting myself onto a path I find comforting and recognise as familiar to my inner voice.

What's today's business?

Why is it so hard to choose one thing to do? Every morning I wake up with a flood of thoughts and ideas. Instead of choosing one, I choose nothing.

To quiet the voices I scroll through Instagram and allow myself to get flooded with warmth and comfort - puppies, babies and mushy stories - Instead of being hard on myself for doing this, I now ask myself why I feel the need to do it. The answer is simple; it engages my addictive pathways and allows my brain to get its share of dopamine.

Most mornings of late it feels like Groundhog Day. But you know what? Today is when I break that cycle. Today I deliberately took myself out of this pattern. Today I wrote this and now, shared it.

For Day 1, that's enough.

My first travel partners… A dedication

Priya Shukla The Sense Check, Traveling
I’m truly in love with travel

When I think about it, it’s not a new love. I feel like I was bitten by the travel bug at a very young age. The only people I can thank for this love are my parents. They took us everywhere. They gave a whole new meaning to the word journey. My siblings would probably joke about how they knew about “my bug” early on when they saw me puke all over a carpeted casino floor in Sun City. I was probably eight years old. I’ve never been able to live that down. Siblings - the people that have to love me. Note to self: Insert a picture of me with an evil grin here.  My conservative Indian parents were quite the Wanderlusters. For their generation and considering we weren’t in any way wealthy, they loved travelling and somehow made it happen. They packed up the kids and all the things you can imagine taking on a journey. That usually meant not spending too much money along the way if they could help it. So we probably had a food version of a Mary Poppins bag. 

As children, we loved it all

The new holiday clothes - in the 80s that style was precious - the junk food in excess and the long car rides. I think I fell in love with road trips here. The music on the journey, the conversations with my family. The fighting. Oh, the fighting; that’s when I realised my power as a troublemaker. When you travel with family, you are often herded to do things that are not always your first choices. That’s our first lesson in compromise. It’s awful sometimes, but it’s also the beginning of discovering new experiences you would never have chosen for yourself. It makes you realise the importance of being open to this.  As an adult, I often marvel at how well my parents played the “parenting” game. I’m one of four siblings; each of us are so different from the other and we had such large age gaps between us that we also ran the risk of not relating to each other. They somehow found a way to keep us connected. I don’t know how. They ran on instinct and love. It worked. When I was growing up and got caught up in my education and finding my way into studying, work and life, I watched as my parents took their dreams of exploring up a notch. Again, we were not a wealthy family. They worked hard.

Their first international trip was to India

They decided to go on holiday and discover as much of the country as they could in six weeks. The thing that amazed me about this journey and their sense of adventure was that they only booked their international flights and at least their first night in Mumbai. The rest of the trip was a detailed itinerary, but no bookings. This was in 1999. My dad - who I call Pithaji (Hindi for dad), just gave my mum whatever he could. He wanted what she wanted. He also trusts my mum implicitly. My mum was the mastermind and the adventurer. She had no access to the internet. All she had was access to people who had travelled before, their advice and a healthy library access card - through a child obsessed with reading (of course I’m that child!). She made copies of Lonely Planet books and maps where she could highlight train and bus routes. And she made copious notes. I watched her plan this trip and just have faith that it would work.

A few years later she did it again with her mum and another relative. That was a passion project for her. She wanted to do it for her mum.  I think I need to interview my mum about her travelling. I’m realising that she is a freaking force of nature as I write this. I need some of that force! My first trip as an adult was to Cape Town. And yes you’ve guessed it; my parents were the ones who asked my younger brother, Anuj, and I to join them. Supportive, but so sneaky; they wanted the family to be together. My first international trip was two years later to India and Dubai.

Again, it was my mum’s idea for Anuj and me to go with them and my aunt. She wanted us to experience India and was concerned that us being the picky and germaphobic freaks she knew we were would stop us from ever going on our own. So she convinced us to come along. We were away for a month. I saw the force of nature in action. She just takes charge, finds her way and moves ahead. 

In 2010 Anuj got a scholarship to study in Liberec in the Czech Republic for two years. We joked around about going to see him graduate. It felt like a pipe dream. Of course, my mum tried to convince all her children to go along. I was the only one who was convinced. I was such an easy mark. I’m a wuss.  So in 2012, we decided to go to Prague and Liberec, a small town outside Prague. We also decided to go on a little European tour. This was my first time being a planner. I had the convenience of the internet and yet I was still a nervous wreck. My parents were going to be dependent on me. I was terrified. Was I going to inherit some of that force? It appears I was a baby force.

In 2014, my mum told me about Pithaji’s desire to go to India again. Pithaji was in the relatively early stages but in the throes of a downward spiral of dementia. The thought of my mum going alone with Pithaji was something I couldn’t allow. It was going to be tough on her all alone. I decided to go with them. We were going for three weeks but at a slower pace than our previous trips. Again, I became the planner. The baby force was getting an upgrade. Everything was booked via the internet and my uppermost thought was to ensure that my parents were happy and comfortable. This was an emotional trip for me, but something I’m so glad I did.

My newfound confidence in planning and going away gave me the confidence to plan local trips. I realised that travelling was all about discovery and adventure and sometimes relaxation and recharging, while it also meant exploring - new places and ourselves.  My first ambitious local trip was a trip to visit my niece, Suhina, in Stellenbosch in 2016 and make this a week of road-tripping and chilling between Stellenbosch and Cape Town. It was liberating and allowed me to also bond with my niece uniquely and wonderfully, with memories we still treasure. As a family, we try to make little weekend trips to places like the Midlands to try and reconnect with each other. My older siblings, Samantha and Prashan, love going off on little holidays with their little families too. Anuj, who lives further away from us, takes an international holiday every year, but comes home every few months to reconnect with family and friends. They’ve all been bitten by the bug.

This year, 2018, was going to be my chance to plan a big trip to celebrate my 40th year of life. This time I was making the trip with two friends. We explored parts of Europe in 20 days. It was beautiful and felt like I had finally come into my own when it came to traveling. I have beautiful memories with people who know me at my best and at my worst.

Now as an adult, we are still so different, but the memories we created and the values we share have linked us for life. Now we choose to be part of each others’ lives and be active participants in how the next generation turns out. 

Think about those memories that made your childhood special. Those special moments captured as a family. The journey that took you through childhood, bonding with your family in a way that was uniquely yours. These aren't just thoughts of a time gone by; it's your story. It's special because it is yours. I love traveling. It’s in my blood. My memories are now a balm to my soul that helps remind me of my blessings and why I am who I am.

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