I hate feeling anger and rage. It fills me with shame.
There, I’ve said it outside of my therapist’s rooms. And it’s a relief to say it, somewhat, out loud.
I’ve spent years trying to understand my strong emotions and it’s only in the last seven or eight years that I’ve understood that I’m not an “angry” person – the label I was given since childhood. I was called temperamental, moody, someone who blows up at others, volatile. And I have to ask the question, “How does a child get a label for being all of these things?”
Where did it start?
Growing up in a conservative Indian Hindu family, from all my observations, young brown girls were always told to stay on their best behaviour. No shouting, no attention and no back-chatting. Let me explain the term back-chatting. To the parents in my world, then and now, anything that you said in response to your parents was termed “back-chatting”. I laugh as I type this because if anyone but your parents said this to you as an adult, it would be gaslighting.
I was always getting into trouble. Couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my mum hated that. She would discipline me often and quite creatively, but she couldn’t get me to stop speaking out about my opinions. Imagine how surprised I was when I learned that even “loudmouth” me was still suppressing so much, hence the feelings of rage and the outbursts. What started as a child trying to regulate her emotions, became an an adult who felt ashamed because she felt anything.
Where I’m going?
I feel anger and it’s okay. Anger is an emotion and it indicates feelings that emerge as a result of situations in my life that I’m uncertain and afraid of. Now when I feel this upswell of emotions I immediately feel the shame, but on the heels of that, the work I’ve been doing to overcome the shame kicks in. The voices that take over are gentle, compassionate and curious, rather than harsh. For me, that’s my frontal lobe work showing up for me.
Enough about that. Longer than my usual check-ins, but necessary for my musings. I just needed to get it out and remind myself that I am okay and safe and my feelings are valid and acknowledged – even if it’s only by me. In fact, I am the one that needs to acknowledge and validate myself more than anyone else.
Day 4… you’re looking beautiful.
