Tag: acceptance

Day… again

Priya Shukla 0 Comment The Sense Check , , , , ,

I was reading through my previous posts and I liked the idea of these thoughts finding a home here. So maybe I'll try for a daily thought processor here. Not quite a morning pages, but close enough. These will be a little filtered, whereas the morning brain dump... not quite (says with an evil grin).

Sitting here and writing, I'm not filled with the apprehension I had when I felt when I first started my Daily Musings. I'm sitting here listening to one of my favourite songs, Pasoori, dancing in my chair and sometimes moved to stand up and dance, at 6;30am while I wait for my writing buddy to get online with me. It's indicative of my mood as I begin the day. Feeling quietly elated, content and feeling good in my body. Do I have aches and pains and thoughts of the apocalypse happening in the next few minutes? Of course!

However, I'm happy to sit side-by-side with the demons that filter through my world and acknowledge their existence while still enjoying the reality of my life. Its beauty and grace are more than the challenges that life presents. And when I do this, the demons show themselves as being the scared and lonely parts of me. I don't need to be afraid, just aware. Accept and not drown in it.

Working on Self-care

I've been working on the daily patterns of behaviour and what the world probably terms as time management. And in this exploration, I decided to take advantage of a life wellness service that the company I work for has introduced, called Modern Health. It offers coaching and therapy as well as other mental health support. In working with a coach and therapist I've been able to unpack a few things that are contributing to my sense of disquietude. It's been great to have a space in which I can bounce my thoughts around. Having people who help with the inquiry process has also been a gift.

I spoke to an old friend last night after a long time. It always feels so good to pick up a relationship exactly where we were, yet also where we are now. The seamless nature of it is like a comforting arm around your shoulders - not needed, but defiitely welcome.

Saturday

I woke up wanting to sleep more. It's getting colder here, so being wrapped in my two layers of blankets is the most comforting feeling. Maybe I'll have a lie in and read tomorrow morning. This morning I needed to get up early to have a meeting with my sister. We're thinking of ways to expand the conversations we have. It's a tough balancing act; trying to navigate our journeys and our relationship boundaries - ours and with others.

And so I enjoyed the exploratative nature of our conversation. We have some things done to work on and we definitely want to do these things. The question is will we? We're holding back. We know we're holding back. What do next steps look like? How do we navigate this together with our relationship? We're also in transitional stages in our lives and are trying to create space for this. How do we do it?

Hiking

I made a decision to go for a hike this afternoon. Impromptu but something I really want to get more comfortable with. Fear of taking hikes has held me back since one I did in 2022 at Chapman's Peak. I was told this would be comfortable for an amateur. It was anything but. Struggled! Forcing myself to go out of a false sense of responsibility even though I was not in the best condition - it was the second day of my period. I had shaky legs, less than good lung capacity and lots of pain due to my problematic periods. It was so beautiful and breathtaking, and some of the people with me weere wonderful and set their pace to mine - which made me feel awful! I knew I definitely wanted to hike more, but I was at a crossroads as to how to do it.

This time I had a chat with the hike leader mentioning my experience and she was extremely empatheitc and assured me that this would be simple and the perfect way to start again if I was serious about it. So I am doing it. It will be beautiful and being in nature will be so lovely. I am almost giddy with the thought of it. The joy of it.

I'm wondering if I should include some of my self-grounding and mindfulness practices here. It may help me remind myself why it's so important for me and why I continue to practice it. I'll consider it for the next post.

Today was better

Priya Shukla 0 Comment The Sense Check , , ,

Today was better. It truly was.

How do I compare between one day and the next? Because most days I get up lost, confused and in pain. So how do I differentiate between good, better and freaking awesome when it feels like the same start, just a different day?

I count the blessings. I search for the good because it makes me feel better even if I don't feel better physically. It's a practice that I'm a bit hit-and-miss about, but I still try. I keep reminding myself that it is getting better - not will get better, "is".

Today it started with movement on my bed. Then movement on the floor. And then movement within the ARC. I just kept building on what I had and where I was. It was bloody good.

But then when I eventually began with my work, I felt so lost and confused. And of course, my internal narrative began slinging mud at me from every direction. Ugh, I hate that voice when I get into that frozen space. That frozen space. It makes everything so much more difficult.

The frozen space is such a tough thing to navigate because I'm still highly functional and productive - it just takes me longer. And as I go through the pain of pushing through the frozen tundra that is my state of being, I am feeling everything too intensely and yet nothing at all.

I'm going to keep feeling my feels. I'll keep walking this path. I am feeling the pain and it's okay. It's how I will continue to heal. Feel my way through after years of ignorant non-bliss.

The Greater Good

Priya Shukla 0 Comment The Sense Check , , , , , , , , ,

What does the greater good mean for me?

I think that most of my life the message drilled into my psyche was that you needed to always think about everyone else first, before even beginning to take care of myself. This has been the journey and I only began to question it when I began working on myself. I realised that much of the discontent, bone-deep sadness, and despair came from the feeling that I didn't matter. My needs and wants can't matter more than others.

Applying what I learned about this not being good for me or anybody, I've since seen that being a decent human being and taking care of myself would always ensure that I also take care of the greater good. My actions, my behaviour and my life feel more full and fulfilled. I always know when I can give and do more. It's been one of the most rewarding life lessons - self-care above self-sacrifice

I've been able to find that I am a loving and nurturing person and that when I decide to not do something, it comes from a place of priority, kindness and caring, not from a place of lack and depletion. I practice gratitude for who I am and what I experience. It fuels my desire to do and be more. I feel joy in everything and it is beautiful.

I can only care for the greater good if I first care about myself.

Inspiring myself

Priya Shukla 2 Comments The Sense Check , , , , ,

Getting up today felt loaded. Not enough sleep, feeling morning aches and feeling unmotivated to do anything. And still, the entire day laid out ahead of me.

I know most of us know this feeling. And sometimes we never get out of it. And for those who continue to suffer from this and can't find a way out, I send out my heartfelt love and healing energy. It's not an easy thing to live with, and worse if you're aware of it while it's happening - you sometimes feel trapped within your own body.

I'm now sitting writing this, which I really couldn't envision doing when I got up feeling all out of whack. How did I achieve this?

I got up and chose to do something different. Then I did something else. And more new something "elses".

It sounds too simple, but it was just that. This is a form of pattern disruption. If we just move out of the torturous space, it creates momentum and subsequently, motivation, to continue doing more things that will make you feel more fulfilled and less lost. We've been sold so much bullshit over the years; it's been about finding motivation with our thinking and forces outside of us. And I've since learned it has nothing to do with anyone but me. Nobody is coming to save or inspire me. It's all on me.

Frankly, it's a relief to know this. Knowing that all I need is me, is a liberating feeling. Of course, the downside is that I need to continue with the action that keeps me moving forward. I need to be the motivation I seek.

And this is why I do this; writing these pieces of nothing and everything. Because the action alone isn't going to get me up and moving. The other key element in this formula is practice. If I want something to come naturally, I need to do it continuously until my mind, body and spirit understand the flow enough for it to be a natural extension of me. It's how the best athletes and musicians become the best - do it, rinse and repeat.

Day 5… Hot and bothered

Priya Shukla 0 Comment The Sense Check , , , , ,

It's hot. Many may say, "Yes, that's because it's summer in the southern hemisphere". I say, "Ugh".

As far back as I can remember, as an adult, I have hated the heat. I sweat profusely, especially on my face, and I am uncomfortable and sluggish. I couldn't understand why because in my youth I spent much of my time outdoors involved in any number of physical activities. And maybe, therein lies part of the problem.

What is the problem?

I became less active immediately after leaving school. I started the journey of overeating and being overweight at 17, but I also had physical activity to keep me feeling good. But as I left the mandatory physical activity behind, I became a shell of a person. Of course, the culture back then was to be so hard on myself and feel ashamed that I wasn't doing better and eating better. So much shame, every day.

What I did not know or have any concept of, was that I was one of those special people that had metabolic syndrome. PCOS, Insulin resistance, pre-diabetic - I was the perfect example of all these waiting to activate. However, society didn't understand this and neither did my doctors and my family. Thankfully the road has been long and I've learned so much about how to take the steps I need to take to improve my health. Unfortunately, it's also been a difficult one.

So all this to say I am not just struggling with the heat, I am a cocktail of hormone and gut imbalance. It's hard for me to say this out loud and accept it. But I need to understand that acceptance is such a big part of healing and optimising my health. Here I am, sitting with acceptance for a bit longer; it's something I need practice and time to become comfortable with.

Now I'm off to the chiropractor. Yesterday was an amazing deep tissue massage to prepare me for today's treatment. And also because I just love massages!

Day 5 is over and out!

Day 4… Why the Rage?

Priya Shukla 0 Comment Daily Musings, The Sense Check , , ,

I hate feeling anger and rage. It fills me with shame.

There, I've said it outside of my therapist's rooms. And it's a relief to say it, somewhat, out loud.

I've spent years trying to understand my strong emotions and it's only in the last seven or eight years that I've understood that I'm not an "angry" person - the label I was given since childhood. I was called temperamental, moody, someone who blows up at others, volatile. And I have to ask the question, "How does a child get a label for being all of these things?"

Where did it start?

Growing up in a conservative Indian Hindu family, from all my observations, young brown girls were always told to stay on their best behaviour. No shouting, no attention and no back-chatting. Let me explain the term back-chatting. To the parents in my world, then and now, anything that you said in response to your parents was termed "back-chatting". I laugh as I type this because if anyone but your parents said this to you as an adult, it would be gaslighting.

I was always getting into trouble. Couldn't keep my mouth shut and my mum hated that. She would discipline me often and quite creatively, but she couldn't get me to stop speaking out about my opinions. Imagine how surprised I was when I learned that even "loudmouth" me was still suppressing so much, hence the feelings of rage and the outbursts. What started as a child trying to regulate her emotions, became an an adult who felt ashamed because she felt anything.

Where I'm going?

I feel anger and it's okay. Anger is an emotion and it indicates feelings that emerge as a result of situations in my life that I'm uncertain and afraid of. Now when I feel this upswell of emotions I immediately feel the shame, but on the heels of that, the work I've been doing to overcome the shame kicks in. The voices that take over are gentle, compassionate and curious, rather than harsh. For me, that's my frontal lobe work showing up for me.

Enough about that. Longer than my usual check-ins, but necessary for my musings. I just needed to get it out and remind myself that I am okay and safe and my feelings are valid and acknowledged - even if it's only by me. In fact, I am the one that needs to acknowledge and validate myself more than anyone else.

Day 4... you're looking beautiful.