It’s an interesting feeling.
Letting my thoughts flow, but not knowing how to reel it in enough to focus on just one. That’s the beauty and the frustrating complexity of our minds.
Why did I start now?
It’s quite telling that it took a global pandemic to get me to commit to sharing my thoughts. When you feel like you’re plugged into the world – constantly – unplugging just long enough to write feels daunting. And that’s my first lesson on this journey to sharing my thoughts. The abject terror of sharing any part of yourself with the world is very real. It also works as an excellent buffer against the pain of just one critical comment, or even worse than criticism, finding success.
Does that make any sense to you? Fear of success as much as failure?
How did I see this development?
It’s something I’ve spent a lot of time pondering. Throughout my childhood, I was driven to succeed but didn’t understand my drive or competitiveness that existed side-by-side with fear to make my every moment and experience one of uncertainty. Having this as my own personal struggle was extremely sobering. It also made for an uncertain future. As the opportunities for success were removed from my path, I was forced to focus on the opportunities that brought up my insecurities and fears and created this constant fear of what my future looked like and what it would become. At least, this was what I built up in my thoughts. So extreme, yet so scary to experience. So real. It made the path so painful.
And yet, I’m still standing.
Retrospection is such an amazing gift if we acknowledge it. If we can look at our past experiences and appreciate them as gifts that shaped our present, retrospection is priceless. I have grown to understand the conviction and the feeling that my path is mine. The organic trajectory my life has taken is a lesson I treasure.
The person I’ve become has been shaped by feeling a certain way; those experiences have helped me be more empathetic in a world that struggles with basic values like kindness, human decency and basic empathy. When you indulge in retrospection you’re also able to see whether you have walked a path of courage and faith, or comfort and fear.
Of course, I’ve only understood the semantics behind my actions by listening and trying to understand the work of Brené Brown. I’ve been trying to understand and learn from Brené for five years. The immense research that Brené Brown did to understand shame, guilt, vulnerability and courage was humbling; her ability to make this research palatable to us, the layperson, is impressive. This extreme fear that something will go wrong is not living; it’s living in fear. Constantly.
How has this understanding helped me?
By understanding myself better and being present and aware of my past actions, it gave me the courage to be present and aware of my actions in the present – as I live them – is where I learned how powerful my “ask” was. I’ve had the privilege of receiving or experiencing everything that I asked for. The lesson in this has been bittersweet for me. I’ve been rewarded with the positive and the negative. It is what I asked for – consciously and subconsciously.
Understanding the semantics behind my actions also allowed me to see the power of my self-talk and the words I used. We create an internal narrative that consists mostly of past experiences, societal opinions and our continued lived experiences. We often allow others to weave a narrative around us; this is dangerous to us when we make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. The only way around this is to practice awareness and being present at every moment we experience. We also understand our actions better.
Do you understand this? Is this helping you understand your own life until now?
You cannot discount the facts; the power of my words and the power of a great quote. I heard this one from Oprah Winfrey, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” This quote and Brene Brown’s research have made me understand that in moments where I thought I was afraid and uncertain, I’d actually displayed great courage. I’d walked into situations my entire life and operated on the instinct of courage and survival. I have also been very careful in making these decisions as I journeyed through life.
If I could make such great strides in a state of semi awareness of my actions and how they affected my life, then imagine what I could accomplish with complete awareness of myself? This last thought alone is exhilarating.
This is the beginning of our journey together. I hope you bear with me as I take a walk through my thoughts and relive my journey thus far and as I step into the present and future.
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