What I love about this journey I've been on is that I've done the work so that I can understand so much more about this relationship and myself and then decide how I want to navigate it.
Yes, I get to decide what I want. I am not a child who needs my parent to tell me what to do and how to do it as I forge a path for myself. I am not a child who is lost and confused because I was so used to hearing my parents' voice in my head, mistaking it for my own at times, and making decisions based on their directives. No, I get to do life on my terms. When I began my journey of self, it was with anger, belligerence and resentment; I thought it was for my parents, but it was really towards myself. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do, and that I was stuck.
How do we really begin the journey of being healthy of mind and body and also having healthy and loving relationships with our parents and, especially ourselves?
Thankfully, I remember what I did. I hope it helps others find their way to this space of peace of mind. As an Indian woman growing up in the 20th century and living in the 21st century, I don't want to drag generational trauma and ideals into the future. I may not have children, but my life and actions will influence the lives of the children who have come after me. What I am, do and become matters to me, but it will also matter to others because it gives them a blueprint for relief or escape - whichever is needed.
It started with confusion about what I wanted and the duty I felt towards my parents. I remember it so clearly. I was acutely aware of everything my parents did for me in my late teens. I started saying thank you to my mum and pithaji (dad) every time they did something for me - it could be for a meal I just had, or a scripture reference pithaji would bookmark for me but I would just feel the need to say it, so I did. It made me feel so good saying it, but seeing the joy and surprise on their faces was even more rewarding.
The thing about Indian parents is that they expect respect and high effort, but they don't expect gratitude and acknowledgement in words, but rather in action. At least, this is my observation. But this lack of acknowledgement on both sides creates a toxic breeding ground for dislike, disillusionment and so much confusion about love and obligation.
The unsaid words and misinterpretations will always create the foundation for misunderstanding and misdirection. Again, this is my experience and observation.
The Cultural Abyss
Indians are big on duty and obligation. I didn't have the language for it then, but it felt like our relationships were transactional. It sits wrong with me; always has because it also made my relationship with my God very contentious. I didn't feel right calling something so sacred and beautiful an obligation. And so I struggled with both - God and my parents. When we continuously focus our generational lessons on duty and obligation we create confusion in an ever-evolving world.
What may have worked to keep people in line and sync before, is not a practice that works well today. Love and reality - sounds like two very different things, but this is how I got to where I am now. I love my parents and my family intensely. What I wanted for us all was not the reality that was in front of me. I learnt what was causing me this suffering - my fantasy of the perfect family - and what I ended up doing was learning to accept that what I want is my business and what we all are is enough. It has to be.
I am willing to work on becoming what I want and accepting the reality that, if I am lucky, my loved ones will be happy for me and accept me as I show up too. Our love is not conditional and is not transactional either.
But what about love?
Did I receive this? Did my siblings receive this? My mum often says, "I raised you all the same. So you all had the same experiences and opportunities." And she did not lie. That was her truth. However, two things can exist in the same space. Our situations may have been the same, but our experiences and opportunities were vastly different. Our parents' way of displaying love was through their actions - taking care of us and ensuring they were setting us up for a good life where we became productive members of society. The words "I love you" are only verbalised to us now as adults.
But I don't remember these words for the little girl who never heard it and who also didn't understand what she needed. We would watch American sitcoms and constantly hear parents tell their children how much they love them and were unable to make the connection about the disconnect in our lives. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing. That part of us that is sometimes directing us with the desires unheard, unsaid and not understood.
So it was with this feeling of something missing and not feeling right that I began exploring - what was I thinking, what was I feeling, why was I feeling unfulfilled?
If you have siblings you would also understand that they can push you to spaces you don't want - even if you need to go there, you don't want it! My sister, who is the eldest child was the ultimate "planner" thinker. The questions she would ask me about my plans, my life, and my future, made me so mad! I would snap at her saying, "I don't know! So stop asking me these questions!" Being the elder sibling, of course, she ignored me. And for this, I am eternally grateful. Her pushing me with these questions forced some parts of my brain to pay attention and apply this thought to my action plan. A plan I didn't even know I had. This was the part of me that has always driven me to do more; more than I ever thought I was capable of.
It is through all the work I'd done through therapy and exploring the work done by so many people out there (like Brené Brown, and Byron Katie) that I was able to find my way to speaking and living my truth and also understanding what this meant for my relationship with parents, family and friends. I needed to be happy and fulfilled and set boundaries for myself. I began to even work on having more compassion for myself (using the Mindful Self-compassion Workbook). It has all, collectively, been the thing that has saved my perceptions of myself and my parents. When I began having more compassion for myself, I began having the capacity for compassion for my parents.
I was able to forgive them for all the things they couldn't give me because they didn't know better. As I mentioned before, we may walk through the same situations but we all have different experiences that become our memory or our nightmare. I learnt to listen and understand and also ask questions that gave me the solace I needed. My intention is not to get closure from my parents; it's to get closure for myself and from myself. Nobody was and is coming to save me. I will always be the one saving myself. And that is okay. That is a huge relief. Now I can work to give myself what I need.
A lifelong journey and one I don't need to rush. I've got this far, right? The rest will just be because I am.
